Thursday, January 8, 2009

Annie Johnson Flint

"When though passest through the waters"
Deep the waves may be and cold
But Jehovah is our refuge,
And His promise is our hold;
For the Lord Himself hath said it,
He, the faithful God and true:
"When thou comest to the waters
Thou shalt not go down, but through."

Seas of sorrow, seas of trail,
Bitterest anguish, fiercest pain,
Rolling surges of temptation
Sweeping over heart and brain-
They shall never overflow us
For we know His word is true;
ALl His waves and all His billows
He will lead us safely through.

Threatening breakers of destruction,
Doubt's insidious undertow,
Shall not sinnk us, shall not drag us
Out to the ocean depths of woe;
For His promise shall sustain us,
Praise the Lord, whose word is true!
We shall not go down, or under,
For He saith "Thou passest through."

Philippians 4:11

"I have learned, with whatsoever state I am in, therwith to be content."

It was a warm spring morning the flowers were in bloom. I was in a meadow surrounded by millions of daffodils. Everywhere I looked the gorgeous yellow flowers engulfed me. There aroma filled my senses with pleasure. There was so much beauty as far as the eye could see. For days I would be alone dancing and twirling. I was so happy and free. Not one chain tied me down to anything. I was at perfect peace and felt true joy and I was alone, it was just me.

The Lord saw my lonliness and brought to me some friends. We danced and laughed with endless energy. I was so content in these new found friendships. After awhile though I became saddened thinking there must be more outside of this meadow. There is a whole world for me to see. Do I dare to venture out of the complete safety and happiness of my meadow?

How many times I have been down that road. God brings to this amazing place, but I see something the world has to offer so instead of finding contentment within Him I decide to go on an adventure of my own. Within His arms I find everything I need to live a prosperous life, but sometimes its so easy to get off track when you are surrounded by so much sin that seems so satisfying at the moment. Until I actually began to write this blog did I realize what the vision I had this morning meant.

As you may have noticed already, the Lord speaks to me through visions. He sends me to these places that feel so real its almost as if I were there. Through them He has taught me so many things, on this particular day He is teaching me contentment which goes hand in hand with thankfulness and trust.

How many times do we see something we want, but God hasn't chosen for us? How many times do we get so wrapped up in whom everyone else wants us to be that we don't see the person God made us to be? If we could just be content with everything God has placed in our lives we will get bigger and better things. Contentment isn't just about finding peace admist a hard time. Its about trusting God knows what He is doing and thanking Him for placing us where we are in life today.

I have waited and waited and waited for something all of my life and I beginning to finally taste its goodness. I have prayed every night for nearly fifteen years for this and although I am still waiting for it to come to pass completely my fleshly mind decides now its not good enough. I battle everyday to be content with where God has me and everyday Satan tries to fight back. Everytime Satan tries to find another way to off set me, I find peace in God's word. I believe that if I hadn't gotten so off track and endulged in worldly pleasures, I would have already completely grasped the thing I have waited for for so long. But because of everything I went through and put myself through I am everyday more thankful for this gift God has given me.

Give thanks to God in everything for its within a greatful heart that you find contentment even in the worst of situations. Trust God, He always has your back even before you begin to fall!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Sometimes I find myself ashamed of the guilt that I often find myself holding onto. I feel like I did something so bad that I should pay for it everyday. Yes, I know I can't change what I did in the past. I realize I am human and make mistakes like the rest of the world. But I always tell myself I am better than that. I'm not that stupid that I would make that choice. My past haunts me and clings to me everyday. Everyday I find myself asking God and other for forgiveness constantly either from something I did to them recently or because something I did to them awhile back when my pride and ego were much bigger than the kindness in my heart.

I was going over multiple scriptures today trying to find redemption for past pain I have inflicted upon myself and others. To me to read these scriptures is so freeing. I allow myself to get caught back into the rut of my old mind set sometimes and I am reminded with such powerful words of the goodness of God. Psalm 65: 3 says "When we were overwhelmed by our sins, you forgave our trangressions". To me that is the most amazing thing, by just giving my wrong doings to God in an instant He forgives me and forgets them. Isaiah 44: 22 "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you."

Last night my best friend and I, who has come out to me visit me were reminscing and crying over our past mistakes. Many people don't know much about my past, my best friend found out she was pregant the end of her senior year and I became pregnant in the beginning of June. Let me tell you, when you get two pregnant girls together we sure could make each other mad but also we knew exactly what the other one was going through, the fears, the sadness, feeling so alone.

I remember the day I found out she was pregnant. I was so excited for her and went to the library the next day to read every possible book on pregnancy I could. She on the other hand was less than thrilled as she was just trying to finish up school. I stood there beside her and defended her against every ill word I would hear towards her. I would get so excited to talk to the baby growing inside her. The baby and I would share our secrets and laughs. How I loved to feel her kick and my love for this perfect little child grew and grew everyday.

Now I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was not happy. It was one night, one bad drunken choice I made. I was wandering why God did this happen to me. My whole life flashed in front of my eyes. My friend Annie came there to console me, but I was beyond repair. I was in shambles and a wreck. She stood there beside me as I called the father of my growing child, who I might add had another baby on the way with his ex girlfriend, but thats another story in itself. The words he said cut so deep inside me, I can still here them cut through me like a sharp knife "April get an abortion I will pay. I can't have another baby I already have one on the way. How am I supposed to be able to spend time with both of the babies. It's just a ball of cells. April please don't tell anyone."

I don't know why at that moment I didn't pick up the pieces on my own and carry this baby without his help, but I was convinced I couldn't do it without him. All I knew was I was going to have this baby and even though I knew it would be hard there was no way I could kill my own child. Every thought and emotion thats ever been felt I felt that warm August night. The day, weeks, and months to follow were nothing like the miracle I thought pregnancy to be. People talked behind my back and called me a slut and with every word I heard it was entrenched more deeper within my soul. I wanted to retaliate with some sort of come back, but I knew it was useless people were going to say what they wanted to say and I was their target.

Everyday was some sort of uphill battle all of my relationships were growing tattered and the one person I held onto was anything but supportive, on the contrary I was supporting him. He would come ot my house drunk or wanting something. He began to control my life, my feelings, my self esteem only cause I would let him. I didn't know behind my back he was sleeping with the other girl or telling her he loved her. He lied to both of us for several months. He just covered up one lie with another lie with another lie until eventually I became so sick of it I finally called that other girl and told her I too was pregnant with his child. It was than we found out our babies were due within two and a half weeks of each other.

Does this sound like some kind of tragic soap opera to you? It sure does to me and here this was my life. It wasn't just the emotional pain I faced it was physical as well. I was on bed rest for two weeks and within my first trimester I was already getting horrible contractions. I was bleeding all of the time and cramping. I had really bad lower back pain and the baby wasn't growing right inside. My uterus was too big and the baby was too small. With every doctor appointment the news never came back good. But I kept eating and sleeping and drinking lots of water, praying the baby would survive at least through the first trimester.

Finally a ray of hope came, for my eighteen week check up I found out I was having a little boy. I had been looking up and gushing over baby names for quite sometime and when I found out all of the joy I could ever feel I felt. I was on top of the world I was having a little boy and he was going to play football and basketball and nothing else mattered cause I loved him. His name was Jamie Scott. He was going to be a ladies man and he was all I needed. But that joyous moment only lasted but for a moment cause than I got to thinking how am I to support him. There was no way that I could, I was still but a child myself and I wasn't ready to bring a child into this horrible world.

Thats when everything around me just shattered and reality hit me like a ton of rocks. I wasn't sure to put him up for adoption or to keep him. His father, who I came to know in those last few weeks as simply a sperm donor, wanted to put him up for adoption. But to me I didn't know how I could just give my child up. My best friend had commited to give her little girl up and I saw all of the pain she was going through and I didn't think I could do it. I loved Jamie, he was apart of me. He was this precious little baby so alive inside my stomach. I can vividly remember the first time I felt him kick, it was an amazing experience. Everyone else had their opinions of what they wanted me to do, judging me and expecting me to screw up. I was even told I was selfish and a horrible person if I put my baby up for adoption. If I wasn't crying already someone else would have me in tears in no time. I had ran so far from God I didn't think at that broken state I could find my way back even if I wanted to.

My next check up everything changed though, the news went from bad to worse. I can hear the doctor now as it repeats in my head over and over and over again. "Your baby is going to die. There is nothing we can do to stop it. Either you can wait for him to die inside of you or you can have an abortion. But there is no way he can be saved. He could die anywhere from one to two weeks an abortion will make sure it doesn't prolong your pain." Where they seriously telling me this? This baby, who I could feel move inside of me who was so real to me as anyone else I can touch, was going to die before he was even given a chance to live. No, this can't be happening, not to me.

A week later on October 30 at twenty four weeks pregnant I was induced into labor and six hours later there I held my perfect baby boy in my arms. He was so tiny not even reaching two pounds. He looked so at peace probably because at that time he was in heaven. He never made it to his date of birth, my 20th birthday, Feruary 26th. I walked in with a baby inside me and walked out just a few hours later all alone. No one there to listen to my anger, to listen to my tears. The past six months were over and I had nothing to show for them.

Two days later I woke up to a text "april this is it". My best friend had just begin started having contractions a day before her due date. I quickly got dressed and rushed over to her house. I brought all the clothes I had from Jamie to her, the only thing that I had left of him, the only rememberance of his life. That day was a hard day for me. I went home once in tears not thinking I could bare to see this, to see her new baby girl. I returned to her house though an hour later even though than I still had a meltdown, but I stood beside her through almost every minute of her sixteen hour labor. I was there for the miracle of birth of Reese MacKenzie. Seeing her for the first time was both joyous and so painful to me. I cried so hard that night I went home after her baby was born.

It was there that God met me. It was that night I knew there was nothing I could do but let God love me. I went back the next two days to love on baby Reese and just to be there for my best friend. Its been over two months now and I still cry very often about the choice I made that June night. I have forgiven myself and my baby's father for everything that has happened. I lost my son that day, but I gained my life back and perspective. I had a purpose for living and I am going to live it out. I want to save each precious babies life I can and want to tell the world about God's redeeming love. Oh how much He loves me and forgives me.

I never doubt God's love for me. Not even when Jamie wasn't able to be brought home. The little boy taught me so much from his very short life and I am so thankful and blessed that I got to spend so much time with him. God brought him to me for a reason. Since than I have gotten my life back on track and I have experienced an intimate relationship with the Lord. Although I still struggle with the pain I know the Lord will eventually heal it over and I look forward to one day having a perfect pregnancy with someone who I love and can love me. For the first time I have learned to love myself and forgive myself wholy. I am not worthy of God's love, but no one is. Intensive Bible studies have led me to the truth about who I am and what I deserve. Anytime I want to begin to believe the lies that I don't deserve to be loved by anyone because of my past or that I am worthless I always find myself looking and finding scriptures to heal my heart.

Jeremiah 33:6 "Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth."

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Amazing Quote By Sir Francis Drake

"Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we have sailed too close to the shore. Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess, we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity; and in our efforts to build a new Earth, we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. Disturb us, Lord, to dare to move boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and to push into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love."

Psalm 27: 4-5

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock."

Last night after I did my nightly devotion and was snuggled into bed I began thinking about everything in my past I had done wrong. I am in this whole phase of just giving everything to God: all my worries, all my doubts, all my sins, all of my dreams, hopes, and wishes and thanking him for every good thing He has ever given to me. Last night was a hard night as I was feeling very homesick. My heart ached so much. One thing the Lord has blessed me with is a lot of faith though sometimes I don't realize it. I am not one to give up just cause things are hard, the Lord always calls me to move forward and to beat those obstacles.

As I was sitting there just strucken with pain and sorrow I called to Him and there He met me. He gave me this peaceful vision that relates with this verse. I was lying there on His chest listening to Him breath and laugh, He was smiling at me and I could hear His heart beat and His huge arms engulfed me protecting me from the pain I was facing, yes the pain is much deeper than I have implied but for many other reasons than what I listed above. I am dealing with some struggles, but it was there in His arms I found peace unlike any other.

I am so guilty of sometimes not saying uplifting things or indulging in talks that I shouldn't be apart of and definately not partake in. But it was in that moment as My Father was holding me I realized to Him I am just a small child. Most of the time I know the difference between right and wrong, but sometimes I don't. He is patient with me just as a loving parent would be with a small toddler. He corrects me softly when I make mistakes that I have not yet learned, but sometimes His words are a bit more harsh when I purposely disobey, but even than its in a loving way.

Every night He wants us to lay up on His chest and to tell him about our day. He wants us to wrap our arms around Him and tell Him how much we love him. He likes to listen to us and to tell Him stories, He is enchanted by us. His love is enduring and will never fail. There is such a peace and contentment within His arms that I can't explain. As I wait patiently for the one I love, I take comfort in loving and knowing God more and more each day.

I am learning that God doesn't want you to fear him, but to draw near to Him. He isn't this big man up in heaven who is there to condemn you for your wrongs, He is your father who wants to take pleasures in your everyday life if you let him in. He wants to rejoice with you in whatever delights you and save you from when the storms come. As long as you stay in His arms you will forever be safe no matter what comes your way. Perfect, true love is within arms reach. I find nothing more comforting!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Psalms 40:1-3

"I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, [and] established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God: many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

As I was reading this yesterday, it gave me this huge sense of peace. No matter where I am in life on top of a mountain or struggling to climb out of the valley I have dug underneath my feet, He is such a good faithful God and will always come to my aid. He is such a good loving God. I have just been realizing how great His love for each one of us really is. He just has this perfect love no matter what you do or don't do He will love you and be there for you.

I was laying in bed last night just spending time in His presence and I tried to conceive how great His love really is for me, that He would die for me and be brought back to life just so He can have a relationship with me. If anyone I know would actually die just so I would spend time with them, how would I ever be able to say no to them? I couldn't. His love is just so pure and everyday I know more about Him the more time I want to spend with Him.

This psalm speaks to me in such a deep way. Two months ago, I found myself so alone. I didn't know where to turn and there He met me. These past two months have been so wonderful. He is my best friend and my obsession. If you know anything about me, you know how much of a role God now plays in my life. I live to tell others about his goodness to me. He saved me from the darkness and led me straight into the light. He is so healing and so gracious. He has taught me how to forgive and how to be above what the world has to offer. I have indulged in my fair share of bad decisions, but they have taught me so much and each decision led me to My Father.

I know things won't always go my way, but I have found a relationship that is so secure I never have to worry that tomorrow He will decide to leave me. Its the only relationship I am allowed to make horrible mistakes and yet He doesn't judge me, but insteads teachs me to be a better person through it. I still mess up all of the time, I often find myself wanting to go back to my old ways cause sometimes they seem so fulfilling and everyday I face those choices. Often times I now find myself only doing the right thing cause I want to be pure in the eyes of the Lord and thats it, no further reason. I know I can't hide from the Lord anymore and I want to be blessed and I know when I make bad choices I will pay the consequences for them and at this point I would risk so much I am not willing to. He has brought healing to every one of my relationships, He has given me a heart of compassion and I feel like have a huge purpose now, TO CHANGE THE WORLD! What can get bigger than that?