Guilt

Sometimes I find myself ashamed of the guilt that I often find myself holding onto. I feel like I did something so bad that I should pay for it everyday. Yes, I know I can't change what I did in the past. I realize I am human and make mistakes like the rest of the world. But I always tell myself I am better than that. I'm not that stupid that I would make that choice. My past haunts me and clings to me everyday. Everyday I find myself asking God and other for forgiveness constantly either from something I did to them recently or because something I did to them awhile back when my pride and ego were much bigger than the kindness in my heart.

I was going over multiple scriptures today trying to find redemption for past pain I have inflicted upon myself and others. To me to read these scriptures is so freeing. I allow myself to get caught back into the rut of my old mind set sometimes and I am reminded with such powerful words of the goodness of God. Psalm 65: 3 says "When we were overwhelmed by our sins, you forgave our trangressions". To me that is the most amazing thing, by just giving my wrong doings to God in an instant He forgives me and forgets them. Isaiah 44: 22 "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you."

Last night my best friend and I, who has come out to me visit me were reminscing and crying over our past mistakes. Many people don't know much about my past, my best friend found out she was pregant the end of her senior year and I became pregnant in the beginning of June. Let me tell you, when you get two pregnant girls together we sure could make each other mad but also we knew exactly what the other one was going through, the fears, the sadness, feeling so alone.

I remember the day I found out she was pregnant. I was so excited for her and went to the library the next day to read every possible book on pregnancy I could. She on the other hand was less than thrilled as she was just trying to finish up school. I stood there beside her and defended her against every ill word I would hear towards her. I would get so excited to talk to the baby growing inside her. The baby and I would share our secrets and laughs. How I loved to feel her kick and my love for this perfect little child grew and grew everyday.

Now I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was not happy. It was one night, one bad drunken choice I made. I was wandering why God did this happen to me. My whole life flashed in front of my eyes. My friend Annie came there to console me, but I was beyond repair. I was in shambles and a wreck. She stood there beside me as I called the father of my growing child, who I might add had another baby on the way with his ex girlfriend, but thats another story in itself. The words he said cut so deep inside me, I can still here them cut through me like a sharp knife "April get an abortion I will pay. I can't have another baby I already have one on the way. How am I supposed to be able to spend time with both of the babies. It's just a ball of cells. April please don't tell anyone."

I don't know why at that moment I didn't pick up the pieces on my own and carry this baby without his help, but I was convinced I couldn't do it without him. All I knew was I was going to have this baby and even though I knew it would be hard there was no way I could kill my own child. Every thought and emotion thats ever been felt I felt that warm August night. The day, weeks, and months to follow were nothing like the miracle I thought pregnancy to be. People talked behind my back and called me a slut and with every word I heard it was entrenched more deeper within my soul. I wanted to retaliate with some sort of come back, but I knew it was useless people were going to say what they wanted to say and I was their target.

Everyday was some sort of uphill battle all of my relationships were growing tattered and the one person I held onto was anything but supportive, on the contrary I was supporting him. He would come ot my house drunk or wanting something. He began to control my life, my feelings, my self esteem only cause I would let him. I didn't know behind my back he was sleeping with the other girl or telling her he loved her. He lied to both of us for several months. He just covered up one lie with another lie with another lie until eventually I became so sick of it I finally called that other girl and told her I too was pregnant with his child. It was than we found out our babies were due within two and a half weeks of each other.

Does this sound like some kind of tragic soap opera to you? It sure does to me and here this was my life. It wasn't just the emotional pain I faced it was physical as well. I was on bed rest for two weeks and within my first trimester I was already getting horrible contractions. I was bleeding all of the time and cramping. I had really bad lower back pain and the baby wasn't growing right inside. My uterus was too big and the baby was too small. With every doctor appointment the news never came back good. But I kept eating and sleeping and drinking lots of water, praying the baby would survive at least through the first trimester.

Finally a ray of hope came, for my eighteen week check up I found out I was having a little boy. I had been looking up and gushing over baby names for quite sometime and when I found out all of the joy I could ever feel I felt. I was on top of the world I was having a little boy and he was going to play football and basketball and nothing else mattered cause I loved him. His name was Jamie Scott. He was going to be a ladies man and he was all I needed. But that joyous moment only lasted but for a moment cause than I got to thinking how am I to support him. There was no way that I could, I was still but a child myself and I wasn't ready to bring a child into this horrible world.

Thats when everything around me just shattered and reality hit me like a ton of rocks. I wasn't sure to put him up for adoption or to keep him. His father, who I came to know in those last few weeks as simply a sperm donor, wanted to put him up for adoption. But to me I didn't know how I could just give my child up. My best friend had commited to give her little girl up and I saw all of the pain she was going through and I didn't think I could do it. I loved Jamie, he was apart of me. He was this precious little baby so alive inside my stomach. I can vividly remember the first time I felt him kick, it was an amazing experience. Everyone else had their opinions of what they wanted me to do, judging me and expecting me to screw up. I was even told I was selfish and a horrible person if I put my baby up for adoption. If I wasn't crying already someone else would have me in tears in no time. I had ran so far from God I didn't think at that broken state I could find my way back even if I wanted to.

My next check up everything changed though, the news went from bad to worse. I can hear the doctor now as it repeats in my head over and over and over again. "Your baby is going to die. There is nothing we can do to stop it. Either you can wait for him to die inside of you or you can have an abortion. But there is no way he can be saved. He could die anywhere from one to two weeks an abortion will make sure it doesn't prolong your pain." Where they seriously telling me this? This baby, who I could feel move inside of me who was so real to me as anyone else I can touch, was going to die before he was even given a chance to live. No, this can't be happening, not to me.

A week later on October 30 at twenty four weeks pregnant I was induced into labor and six hours later there I held my perfect baby boy in my arms. He was so tiny not even reaching two pounds. He looked so at peace probably because at that time he was in heaven. He never made it to his date of birth, my 20th birthday, Feruary 26th. I walked in with a baby inside me and walked out just a few hours later all alone. No one there to listen to my anger, to listen to my tears. The past six months were over and I had nothing to show for them.

Two days later I woke up to a text "april this is it". My best friend had just begin started having contractions a day before her due date. I quickly got dressed and rushed over to her house. I brought all the clothes I had from Jamie to her, the only thing that I had left of him, the only rememberance of his life. That day was a hard day for me. I went home once in tears not thinking I could bare to see this, to see her new baby girl. I returned to her house though an hour later even though than I still had a meltdown, but I stood beside her through almost every minute of her sixteen hour labor. I was there for the miracle of birth of Reese MacKenzie. Seeing her for the first time was both joyous and so painful to me. I cried so hard that night I went home after her baby was born.

It was there that God met me. It was that night I knew there was nothing I could do but let God love me. I went back the next two days to love on baby Reese and just to be there for my best friend. Its been over two months now and I still cry very often about the choice I made that June night. I have forgiven myself and my baby's father for everything that has happened. I lost my son that day, but I gained my life back and perspective. I had a purpose for living and I am going to live it out. I want to save each precious babies life I can and want to tell the world about God's redeeming love. Oh how much He loves me and forgives me.

I never doubt God's love for me. Not even when Jamie wasn't able to be brought home. The little boy taught me so much from his very short life and I am so thankful and blessed that I got to spend so much time with him. God brought him to me for a reason. Since than I have gotten my life back on track and I have experienced an intimate relationship with the Lord. Although I still struggle with the pain I know the Lord will eventually heal it over and I look forward to one day having a perfect pregnancy with someone who I love and can love me. For the first time I have learned to love myself and forgive myself wholy. I am not worthy of God's love, but no one is. Intensive Bible studies have led me to the truth about who I am and what I deserve. Anytime I want to begin to believe the lies that I don't deserve to be loved by anyone because of my past or that I am worthless I always find myself looking and finding scriptures to heal my heart.

Jeremiah 33:6 "Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth."